Tuesday, 7 August 2012

Thankful For Minutes......

August 7th, 2012 will forever be engraved in my heart....  

Three weeks ago I went in for a screening ultrasound to check size of baby and thickness of neck.  I was just 12 weeks pregnant at the time.  The ultrasound showed a healthy, strong and active little baby with a tremendously strong little heartbeat....  Having had ultrasounds in the past, I knew what to expect..  However, this one hurt.. In an attempt to get the right angle for the pictures the abdominal wand was pressed pretty deep into my lower tummy area... Hard enough to where it had me arch my back and say "ouch"..    I left there that day with some great pictures of our baby and feeling pretty excited...   After a nap that afternoon, I got up to go to the bathroom and realize, quite suddenly, that I had blood pouring out of me...  I ended up in the Emergency Room that night..  Baby's heartbeat was still strong and healthy... Unsure of what caused it, they sent me home to rest and to let the bleeding stop...  It eventually tapered off after many days and was gone completely for about a day or two and then returned only dark in color and this time with a little cramping..  they called for a STAT ultrasound and send me to the imaging department to check on the welfare of the baby..  The heart wrenching moments when you are waiting to hear or see a heartbeat in your baby feels like hours instead of seconds..   Once again, baby was healthy and heartbeat strong.. They did however, find a 6 cm tear in the placenta.. NOW, in normal life... 6 cm is tiny...  on a 15 week old placenta it is HUGE..   Of course, my first question is... How did this happen??   So, I was to be off my feet, no lifting, pushing, pulling, etc until my next Dr. Appt scheduled for the 8th (tomorrow)...  Well, I woke up yesterday morning having continually bled over the weekend and just not feeling right.... called the office again and they once again scheduled me a STAT ultrasound.   I went in and watched the tech's face as she was taking the pictures and it just didn't seem right...  My worst fears were then confirmed with a phone call into that ultrasound room from my Dr.'s office stating that baby didn't make it... there was no longer a heartbeat...  My heart sank and the tears fell to the floor...   
My Dr....  Dr. Heshmati has been amazing and I would use him again in a moment...  He explained my option to me and because of the size of the baby and my bleeding.. the safest option was for me to go through labor and deliver like normal...  Safest way, yes........ but by far the most traumatic emotionally..
SO, I was induced and went through 11 hours of "labor" and at 6:12am I delivered our baby boy.  By far, the hardest thing I have ever gone through in my entire life...   I held our baby boy for about an hour and was so thankful for each and every one of those minutes....  to look at him, talk to him, let him know his mommy and his daddy love him so much, that we were excited to meet him and that he was special to us...  Every minute mattered.. Every minute counted....  I got to hold our son and say goodbye...  He is the size of about a stick of butter....  BEAUTIFUL....  long fingers, cute toes, a tiny little nose.... He is perfect and now running around in heaven between my grandma's lap and Mike's grandma's lap....
Life is fragile.... Life is short.....  MINUTES COUNT!!!  Every minute you get with someone you love... matters!!  Through all of this pain....  I have learned a lot... I can smile because... I have the most supportive, amazing man ... and he has taught me so much!! He stayed with me online from Afghanistan the entire night.. never left!!  We walked this journey together and came out stronger....

I had some wonderful friends stay the entire night with me in the room as well to hold my hand and talk me through... Traci, Aaron, Tammy and Rita... Thank you so much for walking this journey with me and holding my hand when all I could do was cry....   Papa Mike,... your love and support through all of this has been beyond phenominal...   I have received many texts and calls and messages and flowers from my brother and my sister and a dear friend, Kim.....  Thank you so much... Each one is appreciated...  All the continued prayers and support are so appreciated....

Minutes Count!! BE thankful for each and every minute you get with the ones you love!!


  1. Wow! I cannot imagine the pain you must be feeling. For you to share your story like this shows that you want others to not take for granted what they have...even if we feel just a small glimpse of that pain with you. you made my heart sink for you Jess. I love you and am happy that you have such a strong, amazing support system. Hugs, my dear friend! Kristy

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  3. Oh Jess, it was only days ago that I learned of your pregnancy, During our talk I could feel how elated with joy you were to be blessed with the opportunity once again. I am so saddend to read this story. I truly cannot imagine the heartache you are going through. Know that I am just a call away. I love you dear ~Roseann

  4. Jessica--I am so very, very sorry that your little baby couldn't stay with you. I'm glad that he can be with his grandmas now...but at the same time, babies belong with their mothers. I think it's a beautiful thing that you got to hold your little son. To see his little face, feet and hands, and to imprint that moment forever in your heart. That's one thing I wish I could have done, but was not able to have that chance.
    To have to go through the labor must have been so heartrending...I can't imagine.
    Every life is precious, no matter how short, and babies leave tiny footprints on our heart...
    One book that was very comforting to me was "I'll Hold You In Heaven" by Jack Hayford. For me, it also helped to just talk, and talk, and talk about it with everyone close to me. Let out your tears, your sorrow, and let the Lord hold you close. Big hugs coming your way!

  5. Jess, I just happened upon this. I know it was months ago now, but I'm sure the pain is still fresh.
    May you find the redemption of your pain. I'll be praying.